Too Many Thoughts in My Head

It has been several days since I opened the website’s admin page. I think I need to set aside a little time each day to be here, if only to understand my feelings and thoughts a little better.

I haven’t had much time to rest these past few days. I can’t fall asleep when I go to bed, and I stay up late. It is already past midnight now. On my day off Saturday, I kept opening a game without thinking and wanting to do several things at once. Am I trying to kill time? I feel as if I don’t have enough of it, yet I consciously force myself to do things I may find meaningless. Perhaps then I don’t have to think about how to use my time. Perhaps I can avoid thinking altogether. A game lets me put my mind somewhere else, so I needn’t face myself or time.

I also suddenly started reading comics again. Things outside don’t seem as exciting as stories, so I spend remarkably little on everyday life. I can hardly imagine what the days before the internet would have been like for someone who lives as I do. And I seem to be growing more dissatisfied with work.

The main reason I was annoyed today was the adjusted work schedule. Time that should have been a day off was taken to make up for the next holiday. A little more work might bring a little more pay. But to me the expected value of working is entirely negative, so adding hours only subtracts more. I would be willing to let my salary change with my hours. I don’t spend much; if I worked a little less, I could accept earning correspondingly less.

Still, working for someone else really doesn’t feel worth it. I think everyone has a way they want to live, or a life they want to experience. Mine doesn’t have to be colorful. I just don’t want to be so tired, and I want enough freedom. Before the Lunar New Year, I want to have a side project that can earn something, whatever it may be. Even if I don’t quit my job next year, I want to have that. I’ve only been working for a month, and life already feels so hard. Well, at least I can say this isn’t my choice. Keep going.